Writings from the Heart

Lovesick

I’ve heard it all:
“You’re still young!”
“Don’t waste your time with boys!”
“You’re too young to date!”
“He’ll come at the right moment!”
And the most common:
“Be patient!”

I have been patient. 18 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. Being patient can be one of the hardest things to go through. I’m not going to sugar coat this, it can suck.

I remember in sixth grade all my friends had “boyfriends”, but it was never something I was interested in. I didn’t care. My friends always asked me how many boyfriends I’ve had and it wasn’t until middle school I realized that relationships were something you should be involved with. I would lie and say I’ve had a few and they would believe me. In eighth grade, they stopped believing me. I was never with the boys. I never text any boys. I never “dated”. My classmates started thinking I was a lesbian. I was always with my best friend at the time and neither of us ever had boy friends.

In high school, my mind-set completely changed. I felt the need to be in a relationship. I felt the need to be loved by a boy. I felt the need to conform to the world.

I ended up slipping. I searched for happiness in boys. I was the biggest flirt who teased every guy I met. It always turned out the same: boy meets girl. Girl gives boy number. Boy asks if girl is a virgin. Girl hesitantly says yes. Boy asks for body picture. Girl says no. Boy stops talking to girl. Girls gets sad because boy only wanted one thing.

After awhile, I didn’t mind that it never worked out. I was satisfied with the compliments they gave me and knew that once I stopped talking to one I would find another. It was pathetic.

My junior year I was close to being in a relationship. This boy had been asking me to be his girlfriend for the longest time and I finally said yes (even after my parents specifically said I could not have a boyfriend). After saying yes, two weeks of seeing each other for five minutes every few days, we agreed that it wouldn’t work. I didn’t bother chasing him.

After that incident was when I really began my walk with God. I stopped being a flirt and stopped talking to random boys. Most importantly, I stopped searching for happiness in places I wouldn’t find it. Although I did change, there was still something missing. It was like a piece to complete my heart was gone.

I was lovesick. It seemed after I fell deeper in love with Jesus, no one liked me. I thought something was wrong with me. I wasn’t the prettiest girl, the skinniest, the funniest, or the best. I began feeling so insecure about myself my thoughts completely changed.

You may think it’s pathetic but lovesickness was something I struggled with. My senior year was the worst. The pressure to be in a relationship was so strong. I saw the girls cheering on their boyfriends at the football games, and I saw the couples together at homecoming, it was everywhere. I noticed the boys chased the annoying cheerleaders, the girls who wore short shorts, the skinny girls, and I realized that all these girls had something in common, they made themselves noticed. I was the shy girl who wore modest clothing. What boy liked that? My self-esteem hit an all time low. I refused to change my self, but eventually I started to feel that all the boys liked those girls and they would not make an exception for me.

I felt ugly. I felt annoying. I felt fat. I felt lonely. I did have a relationship with God, but the lovesickness would not go away. I did not know what to do. Sometimes the feeling would be so heavy I would sit in my room hugging a pillow crying myself to sleep. Every time I mentioned my struggle with someone they would tell me the same thing, “I understand, but be patient, your time will come.” I was angered. You can’t tell me you understand if you started “dating” at fifteen. You can’t tell me to be patient if you weren’t patient. I realized the only person who could understand is God.

I prayed even more than I had before. I sought Him more than I ever had before. I was tired of being lovesick. I was tired of the lies clouding my mind. I needed it all to go away. I needed that piece to complete my heart and I knew it would be found in God.

The summer after I graduated I really had to fight against the lovesick feeling. It hit harder than it ever had before. I refused to believe the lies. I cried out and prayed harder. God heard me.

This will probably sound like a cliché ending to a testimony, but that’s okay. God told me I am beautiful. God told me I am worth so much more. God told me I will have a godly relationship worth this long wait. And everyday, I am reminded of this.

My experiences made me realize how important relationships are. How much they need to be cherished and taken seriously. I am constantly told I’m too picky, but I have a right to be picky. I am a child of the Most High and I will not settle.

I’m not going to lie, the lovesick feeling likes to visit once in a while. When it happens, I’m reminded that God is saving my Prince Charming for the right time. Until that time I will stay strong, knowing that only God satisfies.

Patient and picky!

“Do not stir or awaken love until it pleases.” Song of Solomon 8:4 ♥

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